2024
F*ck yeah. This one’s a long time coming. I haven’t written in a hot minute. To be honest it’s because my 2023 was a shit show. In summary, I spent the first half of the year being depressed for a multitude of reasons… up until I finally made my way back to the states and got my life back. The following text will be a summary of my year.
For context, in 2022 I worked full-time for the first half of the year and then I started my Master’s degree in Sport & Performance Psychology in the Fall. For me, my degree was more than a degree. The courses I took in the past year taught me so much about myself as a person and an athlete that I had never really paid attention to before. My degree helped me understand myself and process things in a way that finally gave me the courage to pursue playing professionally again. I never officially retired (still haven’t), I was just burned by a few bad experiences, I needed to make some money, and I wanted to be close to my loved ones so I chose to stay home this year.
Of course the universe (or God) has a way of working things out.
So, let’s time-travel.
January 2023
In January, I was living in Houston. I was also a full-time student (in person + virtual), I was an assistant soccer coach at St. John’s HS (Go Mavs!!!), and then assistant coach of their track & field team, and I was also working part-time at Lululemon. Full plate, right? It was a lot. But it’s what I needed to do to fulfill: my passion & my paycheck. January was also the month of me seriously seriously internally contemplating playing soccer again professionally.
February 2023
In February, I gained the courage (grew the balls) to finally start seeking options to play again. For those of you that don’t know how this works - you can ask anyone and everyone if they’re looking for players! Or, you can hire an agent to do this for you. Another thing to note is that once you start asking… if you’re fit and ready to go - you have to drop everything and GO. And I mean it’s quick. As a result, February saw a month of me upping my training. Being an assistant coach for track & field helped me knock out 2 birds with one stone - I’d run with the kids & work! Then I would play pickup and get touches on the ball anywhere I could. I also had conversations with my employers, professors, and loved ones about my next steps (none of these conversations were easy).
By the end of February I had found replacements for my positions, put in my 2 weeks, arranged to finish my degree online, crammed some last minute goodbyes in, and I had moved out of my living situation. It was quick. And it was nerve-racking.
Something to know about me is that I am not normally a person to take the safe option. And I would describe this as a blessing and a curse. On one hand it’s exciting and bold to say “let’s fucking do this” and go. On the other hand it scares you sh*tless because of the unknown.
But hey - experiences are experiences. I’d rather do it than sit and wonder “what if”.
March 2023
A month to be documented in extensive detail - but for the purpose of keeping this puppy relatively short, I’ll summarize. I hopped on a plane to the beautiful, small country of Northern Ireland. I said my goodbyes and see-you-laters. I cried of fear and heartache, and I left.
I was welcomed by the warmest of hearts, and I immediately felt settled at home. People in N.I. were so sweet and welcoming. The weather? Of course not the best, but it was a nice change. The only time I truly minded the cold was when I couldn’t feel my effing toes while training. So - training. I had about 2 weeks of practices and scrimmages before my world fell beneath me.
In the future I will dive into the details of my injury - but it was traumatic and brings me a lot of distress - so I will leave it at: we were scrimmaging a boys team and I got shoved/tackled off the ball and in this collision I was: concussed, knocked unconscious, and tore my ACL, MCL, and meniscus. And I’m talking unconscious for a few seconds but when I gained consciousness I didn’t recall where I was, what day/year it was, etc. It was scary.
I’m also going to somewhat breeze over the next few months because they were a blur to me. They were filled with a series of unfortunate and unethical events. I spent the next few months experiencing severe depression and I was only finally able to bring myself out of it (truly) once I got back to the US in August.
If you guys recall, my mom visited me. That’s because I was supposed to have a surgery in May and that fell through. Then we spent some time waiting for that to be resolved and it wasn’t. Finally, I had to make the executive decision to leave after my situation became so unbearable and unethical that I had to return home to restore my life and begin bringing myself out of this extremely horrible headspace.
April
May
June
July
I’d describe these months as a fever dream. A nightmare. A lesson. A shock. Traumatic. I attribute my rebirth of mindset to focusing on my school work, my family, especially my mother who remained by my side, my friends back home, some people in N.I. that were God-sent, my therapist, but overall - my mental toughness.
August
Home. This month was just as one might expect it - rocky. I had to become accustomed to “normal” life again in a faster-paced environment (note that my knee is still not repaired and I am continuing to navigate the situation). I was so happy to be home in the comfort of my bed, in the presence of my familiar faces, and surrounded by my regular places.
Your environment is so important and I can not stress this enough. The way that my mind’s battery instantly began charging as soon as I stepped foot on American soil was - as my mother would say - “impressionante”.
I went from sleeping 10+ hours everyday, sometimes unable to get out of bed, unable to stop crying, fighting insomnia, to wanting to be awake and soak in the sun, my friends, my pets, my hobbies, and felt so motivated to finish my degree. Depression is hard (duh), and I have experienced it before in small bursts of life, but never for the duration and as severe as I did in N.I.
I don’t pity myself for how I felt during those months, because I went through a rough time. I only wish I could have pulled myself out of that funk sooner.
August enabled me to get my feet on the ground and bring myself back to life.
September
Social Siobhan. I moved back in with my parents, since my romantic relationship terminated whilst I was away.
If anyone saw me during this time, I think I could only describe me “finding my feet” again as a Spirit airline flight landing at the Chicago O’Hare airport… rocky as fuck.
October
October saw me spreading my wings. It entailed climbing out of bad patterns and indulging into good ones. I began working a part-time job in September, and I really put energy into the kids I coached. Children have always brought me so much joy. Combined with something else I’m passionate about (soccer), coaching was the perfect dose of medicine for me.
The joy I gained from coaching, still being involved with soccer, continuing to practice yoga consistently, and indulging in my schoolwork allowed me to finally exhale.
You know a true exhale? Like you breathe in to the count of seven, hold it, suck in even more air and then just - loudly sigh it all out. I could finally release all of the bullshit I was holding onto.
November.
November was busy. I intentionally poured more energy into my friendships and experiences. Thanksgiving was around the corner which entails more family time. I was blessed to be able to visit the beautiful country of Mexico with my family and switch off for a week by the water - my favorite place to be.
It was even more sweeter to close your eyes with the sun beaming down on you and the waves crashing in the background thinking to yourself: I deserve this.
December !
My best and most eventful month to date.
I got to celebrate my sister’s birthday in the exciting Fredricksburg
I got to celebrate my birthday in a plethora of ways - from concerts, to dinners, to yoga sessions, to walks, to - oh yeah I got the flu a week before my sister’s birthday whilst taking my finals. Life just had to sprinkle in a bit more of strength-training for me before I could fully earn my degree.
A few days after my birthday I graduated with my Master of Arts Degree in Sport & Performance Psychology from the University of St. Thomas. I fucking did it. And then what came next?
A celebratory bday/grad trip back to Mexico, of course! This time, I was able to share this experience with some friends i adore. I also hate to use this phrase but it does encapsulate how i felt: “my heart was so full”. And that it was.
That trip sealed my most trialing year to date. It was yet again another “I earned this” moment. An “I deserve this” moment, might I add. And when I got home of course it was Christmas, followed by New Year celebrations.
January 2024 (inspo_chevs)
So what’s next for me? I have many projects in the works, but I wanted to share one that is finally coming to life - my podcast! I teased my Instagram audience with this notion a few years ago - and truth be told the reason nothing was completed is because I had a lot more to process before blabbing in a new idea that large.
Now that I have had sufficient time to thoroughly reflect, and I have another degree under my belt to solidify my credentials, I feel more comfortable with sharing my experiences.
My podcast will entail my experiences gained from soccer, and serve as an informative and educational outlet for athletes, coaches, parents, and just the everyday person. I plan to share my raw experiences with y’all, all whilst ensuring you’re laughing with me along the way. Additionally, I plan on initiating conversations with anyone who would like to share their experiences and/or advice with the audience. And of course, I will be sharing through the lens of a mental health advocate. The mental side of sport (and life) is make-or-break.
I hope to be able to educate, inform, advise, and entertain my listeners and readers so that you might be 1% more equipped to endure the shit that life will throw your way. Because believe me……………. life’s got some KICK and it wants the smoke.
Acknowledgements
I accredit my current outlook of life to the following but are not limited to:
Yoga. Holy SHIT yoga changed my life. If you have never tried yoga and always wonder how I “have nice abs” - please try hot yoga (specifically at Black Swan Yoga - a hot yoga studio). Not only do you focus and practice on your breathing in yoga, you also focus on mindfulness, intention setting, goals, you push yourself mentally and physically, and it’s an individual activity that you can do whilst being in the presence other people. It’s a great activity and as a professional athlete I feel that “fix” after yoga classes - which means it’s Siobhan approved. ;) I’m also happy to share that I am currently taking a course to become a yoga teacher (wohoo)! Practice with me soon <3
Walking. Since I can’t play soccer at the moment, or run really, I walk a lot. And I mean a lot. Wanna hangout? Let’s go for a walk. Wanna catch up? Walk. Wanna workout? Walk. Moving your body is so important. You can clear your mind and exercise at the same time… sounds healthy yeah? Try it.
Journaling. Now I understand this isn’t for everyone. But as a fellow writer who has written the words “dEaR diArY” since I can remember… writing is so therapeutic. I am a firm believer that things are better out of your mind and on a piece of paper. Sometimes I wish the process was as easy as airdropping your thoughts into a book, but it just isn’t (yet). It’s such a great way to vent, to express yourself, to process emotions, to organize your thoughts, and to visualize trends in yourself and life. There are many benefits to journaling, and I would advise that you grab a book and start word-vomiting onto some paper.
Therapy. Haha did I lose some people with this one? Stay with me. There’s something to be said about speaking to a professional that has dedicated their career to understanding us and how our minds work, whilst giving us un-biased advice. Plus - sharing with friends and family only goes so far. A therapist is an unbiased source who has devoted years of their life to helping you work through your personal traumas and experiences. Give it a shot! I’d recommend the service BetterHelp (non sponsored ad). It’s a virtual platform that has extremely affordable plans. You get a session a week and “matching” with a therapist is easy. You get to choose your therapist and if you don’t feel as though you’re a good match, you can switch. Finding someone that you feel comfortable with takes time, so my advice would be to be patient. Odd analogy, but it’s kind of like dating (?). You have to find someone you trust and can talk to, so if you don’t get someone you ~ totally vibe with ~ the first time, keep trying.
Relationships. The relationships you keep are so so crucial. How are things with your family relationships? Romantic relationships? Friendships? How about your relationship with yourself? In no way have my experiences with these relationships come easy - but I have been intentional and put forth time and consideration into all of these. The company you keep is important. And how your show up is important.
So, if you read this in it’s entirety - thank you. 2024 for me is the year of my ideas and handwork finally coming to fruition. I learned that I am stronger than I thought, and I can do hard things (quote from my fav). You can too. I’m so proud of how far I’ve come and after a Q4 of celebratory events, I’m excited to put my head down again and work harder than I ever have before. God is good, always.
With love, inspo_chevs.